Category: Uncategorized

Originally appeared in The Hartford Courant on 5/5/2019

Can we please reserve the word “launch” for things like missiles, spaceships and campaigns – and not for young adults who are struggling to become increasingly independent and responsible as they navigate the transition to adulthood?

With the arrival of spring comes the countdown to graduation – and with that come distressed emerging adults and parents to my therapy office. They are worried about “next steps,” “the plan for moving forward” and the possibility of a failed launch.

Who hasn’t struggled in this unique and very personal journey, right? Why then are we using language that suggests a person either succeeds or fails in her attempt to reach adulthood?

Inherent in the term “failure to launch” are our unconscious attitudes and expectations that feed the conversation about emerging adulthood. 

Launches have a beginning, middle and end. They ideally follow a straight and predictable course and arrive at the predetermined destination. Becoming more independent, leaving home, working, earning a college degree, building healthy relationships, acquiring skills, having money in the bank, etc. does not work like that, but we are setting kids up to believe that it does. Very often the unspoken benchmark of success is full time attendance at college shortly after high school graduation (reinforced by the college path culture of our high schools) and completion of a bachelors degree in four years at one university. Deviations from this predetermined launch course at best feel like being behind and at worse feel like failure.

According to the Washington Post, less than forty percent of students graduate in four years and more than half of students who start college drop out within six years. Additionally, many of the “successful” forty percent are struggling during and after college in ways that are largely invisible. They are anxious, depressed, abusing substances, socially isolated, suicidal. This is not a dramatic exaggeration. This is the reality in my office day after day, year after year. More importantly, these internal struggles are also seen as failure.

Then of course there are the one third of young adults not included in the aforementioned statistics. On the one hand they are glad to escape the attention because they worry that not being in college means others see them as losers. On the other hand, feeling invisible reinforces the fear that they are getting it all wrong.

The idea of “launching” into adulthood is not only a set up for emerging adults; it is also a set up for their parents. A “failure to launch” suggests either a missile problem or a launch pad problem. This is a recipe for guilt, anger, blame, conflict, disappointment, shame and isolation as both young adult and parent try to avoid feeling at fault.

As metaphors go, we have chosen poorly. (You can stop trying to come up with a better metaphor; we do not need one.) What we do need is to begin thinking and talking about the process differently.

• Are the people you know who do not have a college degree losers?
• Are the people you know who graduated with fancy degrees in four years from elite universities living their best life?
• What would it be like to approach interactions with authentic curiosity and acceptance, rather than competition and judgment?
• Could you say to graduating high school seniors, “What are some things you plan to do?” or “What are you looking forward to?” instead of “Where you are going to school next year?” or “Was that your first choice?”
• Could you reassure the emerging adults you know that, regardless of what they are doing, they are not behind?

Becoming an adult is not an event with a clear course marked by either success or failure. It is a deeply personal process with no clear path and predetermined arrival point. Why on Earth would we judge the process of becoming one’s best self in the same way we judge a missile launch?

If you’re a cat being called “lazy” probably comes with bragging rights. If you’re a human I don’t think it works the same way.

The word lazy gets used a lot to describe people. I’m not sure where it lands on the hierarchy of insults for most, but for me, I really don’t like it.

“Lazy” is a conversation stopper. It is often said with tones of frustration, resentment, negative judgment, disgust, or anger. It provokes feelings of shame, and it erodes one’s sense of agency and competence.

Bottom line: I think it’s safe to say it’s never a compliment.

Lazy quickly goes from being an adjective about the quality of one’s activity in a given moment to a core identity characteristic.

He’s lazy. She’s lazy. I’m lazy. You’re lazy.

We say it about ourselves.
Teachers say it about their students.
Boss’s saying it about their employees.
Parents say it about their kids.

Very often what we label as lazy is really inaction in ourselves or in others,
inaction that doesn’t make sense to us.

• Why doesn’t he do his homework consistently? He’s just lazy.
• Why doesn’t he ever take the initiative and make plans for dinner? He’s just lazy and would rather wait for you to do it.
• Why doesn’t she look for a new job instead of always complaining to us about this one that she’s had for years? I think she’s just kinda lazy to be honest.
• Why don’t you ever cook anymore? I think I’ve just gotten lazy.
• Why can’t she ever get these reports done on time? Obviously, she’s lazy and procrastinates.
• Let’s go for a walk. Nah, I’m too lazy these days.

We do not have a way to understand the inaction, and so, we attribute it to laziness.

BUT,
labeling someone as lazy does not help to motivate the person in the way we think it will.

“I know you are feeling left out because all of your friends are getting jobs. You could have a job too if you were a bit less lazy.”

“Stop being so lazy and pick up your bedroom!”

“Ok that’s it! I have to stop being so lazy and sort out my bills.”

“Ugh I am such a lazy person, which is why I always have piles of dirty laundry all over the place.”

We imagine the tough love lazy comments will light a fire under our arse. They usually don’t.

This kind of approach rarely works in terms of rallying motivation.
We get stuck. Yes.
We get in our own way. Yes.
We procrastinate. Yes.

BUT,
it is not because we are “lazy.”

Very often inaction (i.e the “laziness) is our best effort to get our needs met.

Underneath our inaction are legitimate needs. 

When we are not aware of what’s causing inaction, or when we can’t seem to communicate it to others – it gets labeled as lazy.

For instance, underneath lazy might be things like:

• She is frozen because of the fear of getting it wrong. Opting out or delaying comes with less distress than risking failure or negative judgment.
• He is always having to be responsible and figure things out and soldier on, and there is a part of him that really wants someone else to take care of that thing or take care of him.
• She is overwhelmed and depleted and cannot figure out how to replenish mental, emotional and physical resources. She eventually runs out of gas and has to stop.
• He is unsure how to get started.
• She does not want to appear incompetent or too dependent and will not ask for help.
• She lives with chronic pain or illness that is invisible to others.
• He is managing significant, chronic depression and/or anxiety.
• She is grieving a loss and it is hard to feel like the day to day things matter much.
• He feels isolated and does not want to do another thing alone.

Calling others (or ourselves) out for being LAZY does not jumpstart people into action. Often it fuels more inaction.

What helps to motivate and mobilize people are things like:

• Identifying what need is not getting met (and is driving the inaction) – and then trying to meet that need in more functional ways.
• Using positivity and rewards is the best motivator. Negativity and punishment are not effective ways to bring about behavioral change.
• Make activities meaningful i.e. interesting, in service of others, etc.
• Foster an overall atmosphere and environment that is characterized by failing well and not by perfectionism.
• Changing your thinking about something can change your sense of motivation. Mindset = Power.
• Help someone get started by joining in for the first couple of action steps.
• Chunk bigger tasks that feel overwhelming into smaller more manageable steps.
• Create structure and consistent routines. These provide us with momentum and a kind of downstream current that keeps us moving even when we don’t feel like it.
• Let go of perfection. It is not friendly.